Crazy Princess

Once upon a time, in a land not so far away... lived a little spoiled brat of a princess named Harley Gleen...

Now Harley had always lived in the Castle de Gleen with the Queen mother and beloved father King Chuck, (that's short for Motherchucker) but one day, she decided she wanted to go out into the world to seek her fortune... so she got in the royal camry her daddy had given her for her graduation present and drove to a little college village north of her parent's kingdom. She enrolled in a school so wonderful, she could hardly contain her excitement when she called the King to tell him where he would be sending the tuition money.

"Oh Daddy dearest," she exclaimed, "I will be learning to cut and style hair at the beautiful lattice-board-decorated school of Bon Losee."

Her daddy, the King, wanted his daughter to have royal subjects, so he found her a beautiful little cottage with three girls living there, just up the street from her beloved hair academy.

"Harley, my dear little baby girl," King Chuck cooed, "I have found you a beautiful house with a room all your own... and three commoners whom I am sure are ONLY living there to wait on your every need. Don't you love your kind and wonderful Daddy?"

Of course Harley loved her daddy. She thought "I will never find a Prince who will love me as much as my daddy does."

Harley was so excited to have people to dress her every day and make sure her hair was back-combed enough that she just couldn't wait to move in. She arrived at the cottage to find the three commoners sitting on the couch, waiting to meet her. She couldn't believe none of them jumped up to assist her with her massive pile of luggage.

"Oh well," she thought, smiling widely at the three plain girls in front of her "I will give them a break this once to show them what a kind princess I am."

The three commoners smiled back at Harley and then glanced at each other, wondering what kind of shenanigans they were getting themselves into with this pink satin-clad girl with the hair so big it caused her to struggled to get it through the door.

As the months went by, Princess Harley grew more and more discouraged with the three plain girls.

"Daddy dearest, you don't even understand!" she sobbed one night, "They don't even backcomb their hair! And not one of them wears pink on a regular basis. I just don't know how I am supposed to feel princess-y in these horrible conditions."

Her father, King Chuck was very distressed when he heard the news of the wayward common girls living with his beautiful daughter. He laid awake in bed every night that week trying to come up with a way to break the contract he had signed with the bumbling lady who owned the cottage. When he was signing the contract, he had noticed little sparkles coming off the end of the pen the landlady had given him. He knew right then that she was a fairy and had caught him in a spell. There was no way his beautiful daughter could escape from the horrible cottage, if she did, she would fall into a deep sleep and could only be awakened by love's first kiss.

"I am very sorry my dear, there is nothing I can do to break the spell the wicked fairy put on us." King Chuck sadly told his sobbing daughter that evening. "I will do what I can to make your life easier. I am sending the magic birdies and small woodland creatures to live with you and do all the things those horrible commoners won't do."

Harley was very sad she had to remain in the cottage with the horrible, unfortunate-looking girls, but she was soon distracted when the birds and squirrels showed up. They had wonderful taste in clothing and were able to tease her hair into coifs so poufy and big that she had to crawl on all fours to get out the door.

Months went by, and Harley received news that her sister, her majesty, Princess Tiffany and her husband had had a beautiful baby named Bailey. Harley couldn't believe that she was an auntie! She pranced around her room all day and cooed to the birds about her new baby niece. She went directly to the royal market and purchased the finest silken baby dresses and blankets using King Chuck's royal credit card that he had given her so she would never want for ANYTHING. She boxed up all the baby things and tied a beautiful pink ribbon around the package. She called on two of her precious birds and instructed them to fly the package directly to the new baby princess.

The birds took off directly and were soon flying back, bearing 16 scrapbooks full of pictures of her new niece. She was so excited to see the pictures that she picked up her royal pink cell phone and called the palace, demanding to speak to her niece. The servants weren't sure what do to... they knew that the little baby was unable to speak yet, but after Harley bellowed out her demand to speak with the baby for the 18th time, they finally gave in and placed the diamond-encrusted phone up to the small child's ear... They could hear all sorts of goo-goo's and ga-ga's coming from the phone and the small baby was making faces like they couldn't believe. Apparently, a special gift that ALL princesses possess is the ability to communicate with small babies.

After talking to the baby for a while Harley found out that her lovely room at the top of the tallest tower in the castle had been converted into a nursery for Bailey. She just couldn't believe it... not only had her father abandoned her in this godforsaken village on the edge of nowhere, he had filled the room she had left, and possibly the hole she had left in his heart with her beautiful niece.

Harley had never felt so alone and neglected. She turned to the girls at her hair school to make her feel loved.

"I am only 20!" she cried to one of her new ladies-in-waiting, "I shouldn't have such a hard life!"

"There, there." murmured the confused lady in waiting, staring around at the opulent abundance of pink silken ball gowns and pink sapphire slippers. "I am sure your father, his Highness the King, loves you very much."

Harley was truly alone, she only had the birds and the girls at school to keep her company. She tried to put on a smiling princess face every day, but soon, it just wasn't worth it. She didn't even notice when the birds started slacking off and her hair lost inches of volume. She wore pink sweat pants and sweatshirts and really just let herself go. Finally, she almost fit in with the three commoners who lived in the basement of her cottage.

One day, feeling very alone and neglected, she wandered down stairs to see what the girls were up to. She was shocked when she found the local farm boy sitting on the sofa talking to the girls about his latest adventure. She found herself getting wrapped up in his story, enjoying how his voice cracked at the exciting parts and the crazy array of hand gestures he used while explaining how he had wrestled a dragon in a secret park far, far away.

"If only he was a prince," thought Harley, "then he would kiss me and have to marry me, so all my worries would be over."

Every night, Harley would sneak down stairs and perch in the stairwell to listen to the farm boy's stories. He noticed her one evening and gave her a wink.

"He must love me!" she thought, ecstatic. "We will be married at the end of the week!"

She immediately called her father and told him of her plans to wed the farm boy. While King Chuck was very disappointed in her choice of a husband, he already had a pure-blooded heir to the throne, so he said he gave her his blessing and told the Queen to prepare a feast and party to celebrate the engagement.

Meanwhile, Harley decided to approach the young farm boy to tell him of their wedding plans. She spent all day getting ready; picking out the perfect pink outfit and coaxing her flat locks into a large 'do even the birds were proud of. She waited until all the plain, unfortunate-looking girls had gone off to get ready for bed, and then she asked the young man if he would like a ride home in her royal camry. He accepted, as it was a dark and cold winter's night and he had very little desire to walk home.

Harley was so excited that the farm boy had said yes to her offer. She drove around the block a few extra times, knowing that if he could just admire her hair and smell her Britney Spear's perfume that he would fall madly in love with her and they would be married right away. She slowly pulled into the driveway that led to the little shack the farm boy resided in with his older brothers. As she put the royal camry in idle, she leaned over and whispered softly to the farm boy that she would allow him to kiss her if he so desired.

Now, Harley didn't know at the time, but the farm boy was actually in love with one of the unfortunate-looking girls that lived in her basement. He had come to her cottage every day in hopes of catching the eye of the plain girl, but had yet to succeed, as everyone knows, plain girls would much rather marry brainy men with bright futures, rather than brawny men with dim minds. He was feeling a little down and sad, so when Harley offered to let him kiss her, he was very happy to have something, ANYTHING to take his mind off the girl of his dreams.

After the magical kiss, Harley went home and immediately began designing her wedding dress. She had the birds working all night and all day for a week to collect the perfect ribbons and pieces of satin to create the biggest, poufiest white gown in the history of weddings.

Finally, the day of the wedding had arrived. She had told the farm boy to meet her at her cottage so that they could drive off in the royal camry to the Castle de Gleens for their wedding. Harley pulled on the beautiful white dress and placed a beautiful veil over the up-do to end all up-dos and waddled down the stairs.

As she came to the bottom of the stairs, she looked over the banister to see her Prince Charming in the arms of one of her basement-dwelling unfortunate-looking girls. While the girl and the farm boy weren't kissing, she would have had to been blind to not see they were sharing a moment. Harley was crushed. She stormed back up the stairs, leaving floating ribbons of silk in her wake. She tore off the veil and pulled out all the bobby pins from her outrageous up-swept hair and sat sobbing on her princess and the pea-style bed.

"I will get her for this! I will get her for this, if its the last thing I do!" She vowed, wiping her mascara/tear streaked face on her sleeve.

She then called her father and told him the whole story. He listened and slowly grew outraged as he realized that his daughter, a PRINCESS, for crying out loud, had been shunned in favor of a lowly commoner who was barely able to remain presentable and didn't even backcomb her hair. He swore to his daughter that he would avenge this wrong doing even if it took his dying breath.

More months went by and Harley took her time holding the grudge. Finally the time of the contracted living-situation drew to a close. The two most offending commoners, the one caught canoodling with the farm boy and that girl's dear friend, moved out a few days early. Harley could hardly wait to get on with her plan. Only she got a little distracted with her reflection in the mirror and forgot what she had planned. So instead of casting the evil spell on her old basement-dwellers, she had her father's servants pack her suitcases and haul her off in the royal SUV to the Castle De Gleens.

Once she was there, she quickly remembered that she had yet to get revenge on those girls for stealing her husband. She sat down and used the few remaining brain cells she had left (after excessive use of aerosol hairspray) to come up with the most devious lies she could think of. She wasn't very bright, as she forgot that, although they may have been unfortunate looking, the girls she lived with were actually quite intelligent and would be able to counter her lies with actual truth.

Harley had her daddy, King Chuck, call the bumbling lady who owned the cottage to tell her about the evil-doings that the commoners had conducted on her property. The bumbling lady was shocked and appalled that such lechery would have gone on in her house. She directly contacted the commoners and stated that if they didn't explain themselves directly, she would be forced to turn them all into rosebushes. Though quite shocked and unsure as to what they did, the commoners explained to her what had really happened and asked why she thought they had been so evil.

The bumbling lady explained that she had been told by his Majesty, the King, that they had purposely tortured the Princess Harley and should be executed for such crimes. But once the commoners had presented their side of the story, the lady, though bumbling, was a fair woman, and asked them to forgive her for misjudging them.

When Princess Harley found out that nothing was being done to the commoners who ruined her wedding, she was livid! She ran away into the back room of her beauty store and started concocting the most wicked and vile of hair colors to attack the unfortunate-looking girls with. While she was there, the young girls came in, looking for her, wishing to know what they had done to offend her so. She grew scared of them, because she knew they had done no wrong, and out rightly refused to see them. They finally left and she peaked her head around the corner of her back-room and asked the young servant at the front of the store to notify her father to call the authorities and have the young commoners arrested and beheaded immediately!

King Chuck was very excited as he called the girls to notify them of their impending doom. The girl who answered his call was a bit shaken, but presented her case to him and told him that she was afraid his daughter was a crazy person. The king became so outraged with the girl that he began ranting about how she was a horrible person to be so mean to his princess.

The unfortunate girl simply smile and hung up the phone. She knew that crazy people have no jurisdiction in the real world...

And Haley and Chuck lived insanely ever after... the end!